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Planning a Baby Shower - Traditions, Trends and Etiquette
by Carrie Anne Shepherd
Baby showers have been a tradition in Western culture for generations. It is most likely the origins are related to that of the traditional bridal shower, which most believe began in Holland when a young woman's father refused to provide a wedding dowry for her because he did not approve of her young man. Feeling sorry for her, members of her community rallied together and presented her with many of the items needed for the young couple to begin their life together.
This tradition was brought over to the United States with the immigrants and evolved into "teas" hosted for brides-to-be and new mothers, and it is believed the word "shower" could stem from the fact that it was customary for Victorian women to carry parasols with them and use them to shade themselves from the sun, or perhaps because the shower gifts were often placed in an open parasol that would be raised later to allow the young woman to be symbolically "showered" with these gifts.
The following are frequently asked questions and answers regarding modern-day baby shower etiquette and traditions:
Who should host the baby shower?
One of the most appreciated baby gifts you can give a mother-to-be is to host a shower for her. These days, it is acceptable for anyone to host a baby shower, with the obvious exception of the expectant mother herself. Some believe her mother or mother-in-law should not host the shower, either, but this is debatable. Formal etiquette dictates that a baby shower be hosted by someone outside the immediate family to avoid the appearance of looking "greedy." However, it has been a common and widely accepted practice for sisters, aunts, etc. to host a baby shower. Additionally, co-workers, neighbors, close friends, etc. often wish to host showers as well.
Is it appropriate for the same woman to have multiple showers during the same pregnancy?
Because an expectant mother may be part of several different social circles, it's becoming more and more common for her to have multiple baby showers during the course of her first pregnancy. For example, her co-workers may want to throw a lunch-break shower for her, then her mother's dearest and oldest friends also may insist on throwing a shower, and her old high school or college friends may want to throw yet another shower.... So the same woman can easily end up having multiple baby showers thrown for her in anticipation of just one baby.
This is perfectly acceptable on one condition: Don't invite anyone to more than one shower unless they are an immediate family member. The expectant mother should always approve the guest list before the invitations go out, so it's up to her to prevent this from occurring. Don't assume that a friend receiving multiple shower invitations will know that she's not expected to attend all of them. While you may feel you're just being extra cordial, she may feel you're being extra greedy. Keep in mind, no one wants to show up to a shower without a gift. Multiple invitation means multiple gifts. This may sound great if you’re on the receiving end, but if you’re the one having to purchasing multiple gifts…. Also, we all have busy schedules, and to assume that your friends have nothing better to do with their weekends than attend two, three or four showers for you within the course of a few short weeks is simply insensitive and selfish.
Exceptions to this can usually be made for your mother and mother-in-law, and perhaps your sisters, who are all most likely beside themselves with anticipation for the new arrival and will probably want to attend all the showers. Still, you should discuss the matter with them in person before the invitations go out just to be sure.
Is it appropriate to throw a baby shower for a woman having consecutive children when she was already given a shower for her first?
Generations ago, the answer to this question would have been "no." One shower per mother was considered quite enough. In modern times, however, it is considered acceptable to throw another small shower for a woman expecting her second or third child. This is particularly true if the new baby on the way is expected to be the opposite gender of the first baby and gender-appropriate clothes are needed. Or perhaps a significant amount of time has passed since the first baby was born and the family may have already given away much of the necessary items they received at the first shower.
Often these consecutive showers are cleverly referred to as "sprinkles." One great gift idea for second baby showers are diapers, which are something parents always need. If the idea of giving a plain 'ole package of diapers as a shower gift doesn't appeal to you, consider a diaper cake, sometimes referred to as a baby shower cake, baby cake or nappy cake. These are a fantastic way to present a mother-to-be with the most practical baby gift she could receive. Diaper cakes make great baby shower centerpieces, as well. Some gift retailers even have diaper wreaths available, which can also serve as baby shower decor. Diaper cakes are available online and in some brick and mortor baby boutiques, or you could make a diaper cake yourself.
Another practice gaining popularity these days is to host a "mommy" shower rather than another baby shower. The idea behind this is that the mother who already has her hands full with one or more kids at home could really use some special pampering just for her. Gifts at these showers are more focused on mama than baby. For example, spa gift baskets full of relaxing bath and body products, maternity clothes in current styles (the ones she already has may be outdated), gift certificates to her favorite restaurant, and other similar items make great presents for "mommy" showers. There are even many mommy and me gift baskets available these days that include special treats for both mother and baby.
When should a baby shower take place?
Check with the guest of honor to see what will work best for her. While most baby showers are given anywhere between the seventh and ninth month of pregnancy, some people believe it is bad luck to have a shower before the baby is born. There are some cultures and religions that still adhere strongly to the belief that gifts should not be presented to the parents until after the baby is born.
If you're planning a shower to take place before baby arrives, don't schedule it too close to the due date - just in case the baby comes earlier that expected. Three weeks or more prior to the due date is usually a good time.
If the shower is to take place after the baby is born, you'll want to schedule it as soon after the birth as possible. After all, the purpose of a baby shower is to provide the new parents with all the things they'll need to make life easier!
Who should be invited?
If you're hosting the shower, always consult with the expectant mother (the guest of honor) and perhaps the expectant father, as well, before sending any invitations. This will help avoid leaving out anyone important, or inviting someone with whom they don't particularly get along with.
What is a "Jack and Jill" shower?
Traditionally, baby showers are for women only. However, just like with modern bridal showers, there's an increasingly popular trend in "Jack and Jill" showers that involve the men also. Jack and Jill showers involve couples close to the expectant parents, particularly those who already have children of their own. Men who fall under this category are generally more open to the idea of attending a baby shower than a single man or a newlywed who still breaks out in hives at the mere mention of babies.
Where should it be held?
Most baby showers are held in the home of one of the hostesses. Restaurants, churches, and parks are all great locations for baby showers also.
Who pays for the shower?
The hostess pays for the baby shower. For this reason, showers are often co-hosted by several friends who will share the expenses.
Who keeps the game prizes?
The answer to this may seem obvious. It's probably not even something you would've thought to ask about. The guest who wins the game keeps the prize, right? Well in most parts of the Unites States, this is true. But I've actually been to one or two showers where proper etiquette dictates the winners discreetly pass on their prizes to the mother-to-be at the end of the shower.
So, if you're attending a shower out of state or out of the country, perhaps it would be wise to ask one of the "locals" at the shower - discreetly, of course - what their customs are in regards to the shower game prizes. I would say, when in doubt you should be generous and give the prize to the guest of honor, but then that makes me wonder if by doing so you would be offending the hostess(es) by giving the appearance you did not find the prize worthy or valuable enough to keep. So, here's my advice: If you win a prize, pay special attention to the other winners, wait to see what they do, then follow their example.
How far in advance should the invitations be mailed out?
Baby shower invitations should be mailed out at least two full weeks before the day of the shower. Sending them three to four weeks in advance is even better. Keep in mind, the longer you procrastinate, the more likely many of your invitees will already have something planned for that day and you won't have as high a turnout as you and the mommy-to-be were hoping for.
Who sends out the invitations?
I mentioned before that the guest of honor, the expectant mother, should always be asked for her input regarding the guest list. You want to be sure all of those significant to her will be invited. Likewise, you don't want to risk inviting anyone with whom she is not on good terms with.
However, purchasing the invitations, filling them out (if they weren't preprinted), addressing the envelopes, providing directions to the location of the shower, paying for postage and putting them in the mail are all the responsibility of the hostess(es). Also, the person to whom guests are expected to RSVP with is always the hostess(es), never the guest of honor.
Is it appropriate to include gift registry information in the invitation?
This is a sticky subject. It seems common practice these days to include gift registry information with the invitation. Almost every baby shower, bridal shower or wedding invitation I receive nowadays includes a little slip of paper or some other device with the sole purpose of letting me know where the new parents or engaged couple are registered. However, the question still remains: Is this appropriate? Is it considered proper etiquette? While the answer on to this with regards to wedding invitations is still a resounding "NO," it seems more and more acceptable these days to include gift registry information in bridal and baby shower invitations. However, it is still absolutely unacceptable to indicate "cash gifts only" on any invitation.
Who sends out the thank you cards?
Obviously, the guest of the honor is responsible for sending out her own thank you notes after the shower. However, it is proper for the shower hostess(es) to sit nearby while she unwraps her gifts and keep a written record of them and who they were from. That list is then given to the guest of honor for her to take home.
In times past, it was also traditional for the shower hostess(es) to purchase the thank you cards (in a design that fit the theme of the shower, if applicable) and have them on hand, with the envelopes already addressed, to present to the new mother at the end of the shower. This practice isn't as common these day, however.
I went to a shower once where each guest was asked to fill out an envelope with their name and address as soon as they arrived and stick it in a box. I wasn't told why. I thought it was part of some shower game. I later learned these envelopes were to be used for the thank you cards. This may seem like a practical way to help the new mother save time later, but I question how appropriate it is. In my opinion, it seems in poor taste that the guests should have to fill out the envelopes for their own thank you cards. After all, if the guests have gone through the trouble to shop for the gift, wrap the gift, and then set aside an entire afternoon to attend the shower, I would think the very least the gift recipient can do is address the thank you cards herself.
Who greets the guests as they come to the door?
While the guest of honor should certainly be accessible to the guests when they arrive, it should be the hostess who greets the guests at the door, shows them where they may place their jackets and handbags, and offers to take the gift for them and place it where all the others gifts are being set aside. Once that is done, the hostess should then direct them to the food and ask them what they would like to drink. Also, she should make any necessary introductions. If it's a large gathering, it may be a good idea to issue name tags (perhaps even indicate on the tag the relationship of that guest to the guest of honor). Remember, as the hostess, you are not a guest at the shower and you should be taking full responsibility (or at least share it with your other co-hosts). The mother-to-be should be left free to visit with the other guests and enjoy herself. If other guests offer to help, by all means let them, but try not to take advantage.
Should there be assigned seating at baby showers?
If a meal is being served, it is best to provide tables and chairs rather than expect your guests to eat with their plates in their laps. Assigned seating, however, is entirely optional. However, if you do use place cards, be sure to seat people together who are already familiar with each other or at least have something, or someone, in common.
Are party favors a "must?"
While baby showers favors are traditional (and lots of fun) I don't think most people consider it a "must." However, if you do provide guests with favors, always be sure to have extras on hand. It is not uncommon for guests who forgot to RSVP to show up, or even for some guests to bring someone extra with them. Which leads me to the next topic....
Is it OK to bring a guest to a baby shower?
It is always considered in poor taste to bring someone extra with you to a baby shower, bridal shower, wedding or other similar event. The best indication to know which events this is and is not acceptable is this: If you received a formal, written invitation in the mail, the host(s) are expecting only those who were actually invited to show up. Unless the invitation you received had "and guest" following your name, then you and you alone should show up. If you're concerned about traveling by yourself, call up someone else you know for sure was also invited and ask if they'd like to carpool with you.
Showers and weddings are carefully planned events. The hosts go to a lot of trouble planning menus, making sure they have enough chairs, favors, etc. Not only that, but it's rather awkward for the guest of honor when a complete stranger shows up. Even worse is when you bring along someone she may know but doesn't like very much.
If you feel you absolutely must bring someone with you who wasn't included on the invitation, then at least have the decency to ask the hostess if it's OK to bring them when you RSVP, and do so well in advance of the shower date so there is enough time to make any necessary arrangements, such as purchasing more favors or renting more chairs. And for goodness sake, make sure the uninvited guest your bringing with you brings a gift for the mother-to-be, as well.
In what order should things take place during the shower?
There's really no set order in which events must take place, other than what simple logic would dictate. Typically the meal is served before the gifts are opened, the gifts are opened before the cake is served, etc. Deviating from this order isn't going to offend anyone. Whatever order you choose to follow, though, be sure to have it planned out in advance. You'd be surprised how hard it is to just "wing it" when you're juggling so much. Also, keep things moving at a good pace. A nice shower usually lasts around two to three hours, so keep that in mind during the planning phase. If the shower lasts much longer than three hours, you may have some guests politely excusing themselves before the cake has been served.
Does there have to be a cake?
It seems silly that I am going to say yes to this question. After all, wouldn't any nice dessert be sufficient? But generally speaking, I think most people still expect an adorably decorated, baby-themed cake to be served at a baby shower. A lot of people, including the guest of honor, may be disappointed if you don't.
Anything else?
Yes. If you're the host or hostess, don't forget to walk the guests back to the door and thank them for coming as they leave, help the guest of honor carry all of her gifts to her car, and always be the last to leave. (If the shower is at your house, this is a no-brainer. This bit of advice is meant more for those who may be hosting the shower at a restaurant or elsewhere).
Carrie Anne Shepherd is a former event planning specialist, a mother of three, and a regular contributor for Gifts-to-Impress.com
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